Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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