OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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