Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
