At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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