Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
