I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
