I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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