New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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