Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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