Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
