Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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