You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
