We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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