also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
