I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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