i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
