All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
