He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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