i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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