i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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