do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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