so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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