Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
