Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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