god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
