yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
