White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
