You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
