Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
