wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
