My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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