She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
