Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
