no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
