Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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