Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He passed out mid-signature
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
