I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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