my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
