Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
