The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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