And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
