nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
