Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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