She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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