ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
