Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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