"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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