Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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