I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
