just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
